10 reasons why you shouldn't read our books! - A fun satire!
by Divyaa2612
Summary: Do you understand sarcasm? Do you like to read sass? Are you a person with cool and open mind? Lastly, do you feel like laughing? If the answer to all of these questions is a YES, then and ONLY THEN, visit inside! Listing off 10 reasons why you shouldn't read our books! No offence intended, only meant to be laughed off! XD


**_Hello dear authors and writers, Divyaa here :) So, before getting started with this I'd like to make few things very, VERY clear._**

 ** _1\. This is a satire. A satire basically means the_** **_use of humour, irony, exaggeration and wit to present the truth. THIS IS PURELY MEANT TO BE TAKEN IN CONTEXT OF FUN. I DO NOT HAVE INTENTIONS OF TARGETTING ANY PARTICULAR AUTHOR OR STORY, I repeat, I'm back after 4 years and hardly know anyone here ( Excluding some good old friends.) nor have I read any book. So I clearly WON'T be indicating towards any specific author/story._**

 ** _2\. The ONLY reason behind writing this satire is to bring attention to a SERIOUS ISSUE which is HIGHLY INCLINED TOWARDS INJUSTICE to my fellow writers. Remember, I'M ONLY PRESENTING THE SIDE OF MY FELLOW WRITERS. NOT OPPOSING ANYONE HERE._**

 ** _3\. SARCASM AND SASS, if you guys cannot handle these two things, I'd request you to skip from here itself. Those and ONLY THOSE who're fine with it and know how to take it in it's supposedly right way, kindly proceed._**

 ** _4\. Laugh it off, enjoy the sarcasm, enjoy the humour! Please prove me right that people on CID FF are smartly mature and open minded enough to understand and take this one sportingly :D_**

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So, if you've been in this fandom for a couple of years, you might be ( chances are _very rare_ ) to have been knowing these writers, **Originals143 , Frolic Acid , SilvermistRuhi , DamselinShiningArmour , The Symbol of Faith , iAndromeda, UndoubtedlyTheWine ,  .passion , and Divyaa2612 that would be me.** Never heard of 'em right? Yes, because we belong to the _infamous_ _clan of unpopular authors!_

As far as I know, most of us have been in this fandom since like four-five years, **_Originals143_** topping the list with SIX freakin' years! Way to go, Ori _:p_ Having spent so many years here and do you know what did we achieve? Least amount of recognition! A huge round of applause to us for that, now that's one hell of an achievement, isn't it? :D It's not easy, na-uh! Not easy to be here for _years_ without getting the appreciation that you deserve, but then again, we're not normal human beings. _We have been gifted with the extra ordinary power of tolerating every unfair shit that comes our way._ That's what we've been doing after all.

Hence, today I, on behalf of my clan would like to take you guys down the lane and elaborate our _glorious_ journey of getting here. Also, providing you all with some _reasonable_ reasons for why you _shouldn't_ read our stories.

So, we ready? Let's do this!

 ** _#1. THE PLOT : _**First and foremost reason behind the lack of reviews on our stories is selection of plot. We try to create a plot of our own, using our own brain and the stupid imagination, I mean COME ON! WHO DOES THAT!? What are all those daily soaps and bollywood films made for? That's not all, we try to add _logic_ into the plots. Trying to create something new? I mean, who even are we? Some god damn descendants of Shakespeare?

 ** _#2. THE PACE OF OUR STORYLINE_ **If we have a multi-chaptered story, the pace of our story track is _way too slow._ Believe me, slower than a turtle. It just doesn't go ahead! Our characters do not meet on day one, fall in love by day two, confess by day three, make out by day four, fight and _almost_ break up on day five, patch up by day six and they just don't get married and live happily ever after by day seven! Our stories remain stuck on one point thoroughly describing every god damn feeling? Who needs that? People these days love quick!

 ** _#3. ABSENCE OF DRAMA AND THE WORLD FAMOUS MASALA : _**Dude, you're writing a book on ff and you don't have any sort of masala to add on? Who the heck even allowed you to be here and carry on with your simple shitty stories!? The drama! The masala! Love triangles, cheating on partners, sudden life threatening accidents, big fat indian families, cheesy romances, depressing heartbreaks, plotless smutty sex scenes, THESE ARE THE KEY TO SUCCESSFUL FANFICTION, MY DEAR! Our stories practically have no life. Why do we fail to realise that in our story, SOMEONE HAS TO DIE OR AT LEAST SLIP INTO COMA! THE GIRL MUST GET TORTURED AND THE GUYS MUST BE HER SAVIOUR!

If you don't fill on the keys, your story has absolutely no right to get noticed.

 ** _#4. THE GRAMMAR AND WORD USAGE : _**Oh hello? Who do you think you are? Some english professor or grammar expert? ( I'm gonna get tons of statements like this in review section, trust me :p ) Nobody wants to read well written stories with nice grammar, _full words_ instead of altered words. _It shld be lyk ths, dnt waste ur tym nd ours to._

May be we should try something like, umm, open a blank draft and just go _mindless!_ Grammar, _rubbish. Throw away._ Punctuations, _screw that._ Sentence structure, _no thanks. Out of the door._ Systematic presentation of story, _wait, what does that even mean?_

Sounds good, huh? ;)

 ** _#5. UNWORTHY OF GETTING NOMINATED FOR ANY FF AWARDS : _**Writers like us do not deserve any award. Period. **( Please don't think I'm ungrateful for the award I won recently, I'm just framing a bigger picture.)**

 ** _#6. LAME AND UNNECESSARY DETAILS_** Writers like us are so idle in our real lives. We don't have colleges, internships, office, exams, household works. We litreally spend most of our time in counting our teeth with our tongue and then without the tongue. What else we do for utilising our free time? We write our updates in detail. Penning down every feeling, every emotion, every fine detail just to make _readers feel it_.. we need a job!

 ** _#7. TOO COWARD_** Writers like us need to grow a spine for the purpose of blackmailing the readers to obtain desired amount of reviews. _Agar time pe update chahte ho, toh kam se kam 30 reviews le kar kaali pahadi ke peeche aa jao! Warna..._ That's how you do it, baby. Learn from the best.

We are so weak and coward that we don't even dare to respond to hate comments more than one time. No no, not because it's pointless or we just try to act our age, it's because we're too afraid to do that! We litreally SHIVER IN FEAR upon reading the hate, who knows? the basher might be right out of our house!

 ** _#8. ANTI-HUMILIATING NERDS_ : **I strongly believe that our stories are big flops for not humiliating even a single one of CID character. Not even Freddy! Nobody writes on that guy anyway, so nobody's gonna kill you for humiliating him. Why go too far? Our very own **_Originals143_** once got verbally abused by someone because she said, " I LOVE Tarika and I'll continue to write on her." Stupid, stupid, Ori. You should've said " I HATE Tarika. Those who love her, STAY AWAY FROM MY STORY!" Trust me, you could've gotten immediate support. ;)

The problem is that we respect every single officer! For entertaining all of us over years, selflessly. Spread love, get nothing. Spread hate, HERE COMES THE SUPPORT!

 ** _#9. ATTITUDE ISSUES : _**A lot of people believe that we have egos bigger than our arses, and why? Because we speak _decent english._ HOW LOGICAL. It's true though, there's a huge Regina George hidden beneath each one of us. We're just a bunch of narcissist bitches who don't speak to anyone, who think every single person is beneath us, who take utter joy in be littling others. We don't like to even look at other authors on fandom, _forget writers, we don't even look at the road we walk on._ Oh oh, but you know what we love to do? Corner other authors, attack them, verbally and brutally. _Mean girls alert!_

 ** _#10. TRYING TO ACTUALLY WRITE : _**The last and most responsible element behind the least amount of recognition is that _we actually try to write._ You know, think of creating something new, something unique, _something of our own._ Problem lies where we try to write on LGBT catagories, different genres than the typical romantic one, different characters than the usual ones.

Trying to make a difference has become boring now a days. Sticking to the typical daily soap/bollywood stuff, improper writing, taking the task of story telling for granted has become trend. May be that's why each one our stories/one shots are rewarded with such glorious and abundant amount of reads and reviews. TWO, FOUR, SEVEN, TEN, ELEVEN.. BASICALLY ANYTHING BELOW TWENTY. ( You can totally check any one of our profiles to confirm the above mentioned point.) Like litreally if our write ups were human beings, they would've been like, "Dude, why do you even waste your time in writing something people always ignore? Stop shitting around with your time and go do something useful."

Lastly, my dear friends, a big round of applause for those fellow members of our clan who left the CID fandom after getting such _overwhelming_ _support._ No matter how badly we them and their stories, I believe they left for good. _They decided to finally pay some real respect to their talent._

Rest of us are still here, I think we'd _still_ wanna spend another couple of years trying to push our luck. ;)

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 **Yes, so we wrap it up here for today! Now now, before anyone starts roasting me, I'd want to present my last few words and then, I'm all yours. :p**

 **As you would've noticed by now, the ONLY PURPOSE of this satire was to present a serious issue of certain type of writers. That's exactly what I did. I did not mention any writer, reader or story, so those who're gonna flood my/our review section with hate like** _WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TO TEACH US? OR OH HELLO MISS OVER SMART! OR USE THE GLORIOUS CURSES_ **I'm waiting for you guys to display your intelligence!**

 **Don't you worry, I'm not gonna delete your review. I'm gonna keep it there till the last day of this site for letting people see how humanly impossible intelligent you are :)**

 **In 2015, Elisha Silverpine wrote a parody and my god! some people easily manipulated a work of humour into meaningless offensive shit, bashing her mindlessly.**

 **It's 2019, I really hope 4 years might've brought SOME CHANGE to this fandom. I hope people here are empathetic enough to show some consideration to fellow writers. I really hope each one of you who read the satire will** ** _understand what I'm trying to say and be a sport._** **Do not take any meaning otherwise and show how intellectually advanced you are, remember, YOU'D ONLY GIVE ALL OF US TO LAUGH AT SOMETHING.**

 **CHANGE THE POINT OF VIEW, MAKE A DIFFERENCE TO FF.**

 **Finally before ending this,** **I/WE WOULD LIKE TO THANK ALL THOSE KIND SOULS WHO ACTUALLY TAKE OUT TIME TO READ OUR STORIES. YOUR SUPPORT MEANS THE WORLD TO US. I/WE WOULD FOREVER BE GRATEFUL TO YOU GUYS FOR YOUR SUPPORT. YOU ARE THE REASON WHY WE ARE STILL HOPING FOR OUR WORK TO SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY. THANK YOU!**

 **Now hit me, I'm ready to laugh along with my friends! XD XD**


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